How to Survive the Tween Years: Advice for Parenting Tweens
There’s the summer vacation you dream of: happy children playing games, parents relaxing, cheerful grandparents, smooth roads, short lines and easy-to-schedule outdoor sports and activities for the kids. And then there’s the reality, which more closely resembles “National Lampoon’s Vacation.”
The film follows the all-American Griswold’s as they drive the family station wagon cross-country to visit the Walley World theme park.
At one point, Clark Griswold (played by Chevy Chase) faces a mutiny by his “tween” children, who urge an immediate end to the vacation.
The tween ages range from 10 to 14 years old; these individuals are “in between” childhood and adolescence, and can be notorious for mood swings. More than 20 million tweens live in the U.S., according to an estimate by the 2010 U.S. Census. As tweens begin puberty, they face many challenges, including middle school, social issues, homework, and the stress of having responsibilities. At this stage of development brain and body development changes also occur that they may not understand. These changes are very normal. All tweens have mood swings to a certain extent.
Changes in development during these years are present. There are other issues nowadays that tweens deal with that may not have been around when their parents were growing up such as the pressure to achieve. Many parents are preparing their children in middle school, if not earlier, for academic success and admission into a top university or college. This can exacerbate the mood swings stemming from the pressure they are under to achieve, not to mention extra-curricular activities many tweens are engaged in.
At this age, tweens are discovering who they are and where they fit into the world. They are beginning to socialize with the opposite sex and are defining who they are through the clothes they wear and the music they listen to. They are building a self-image and comparing themselves to others their age. Typical tween behavior may include moodiness, pouting, and even tantrums like when they were a toddler. Tweens will sulk and whine as well. Research has shown that this is how tweens communicate their anger, frustration and displeasure with certain situations.
“At this stage, patience and understanding are important,” says Dr. Toby Spiegel, assistant professor of forensic psychology at Argosy University, Orange County. Confidence is the key for teens to deal with their emotions effectively. “Keep the lines of communication open. Empathize with their struggles and do not make light of them or laugh because it does not seem catastrophic to you. To a tween, everything is a life-shattering issue.”
"Pay attention to your tween’s mood and recognize signs of depression. Watch for changes in grades, changes in friends, as well as eating and sleeping habits. Changes beyond moodiness can be signs of something else. If you feel your tween is beyond simple moodiness, consult a mental health professional such as a psychologist or speak with the school counselor,” adds Spiegel.
It’s also important to take the time to listen and respect what they are going through. Praise them, making su re that the praise is meaningful and descriptive. Help them build their self-esteem. -1.15pt">Teach your tween to solve problems by brainstorming with them. Generally your tween should grow out of the moodiness by the time they turn 16.
“Staying connected to your child at this time is extremely important,” says Spiegel. “Knowing who their friends are and what they do in school will give you insight into who your child is becoming.”
Some parenting tips include: volunteering at the school, offering to chaperone school events, and attending parent-teacher conferences and other school functions. At the beginning of the school year obtain the email addresses for your child’s teacher. Send her an email introducing yourself and tell her that you are “hands-on” and appreciate being contacted to partner in your child’s education.
“Believe it or not, teachers like to know they can count on the parents regarding meeting their child’s academic needs,” adds Spiegel.